i have no idea whats keeping me here. i feel pathetic and useless. quite possibly used. i love you doesn't mean the same thing anymore. my stomach feels in knotts and i keep getting emotionally hit in the face yet i keep coming back for more. do i reallly think this ever will change.
i don't know what i really want.

have you ever been blind sided by a punch something that vaguely feels like being punched in the face.
thats how i've been feeling lately... always being blind sided by these punches in the face. everything i do is wrong. but let me tell you the truth... i don't like being hung up on or signed off on without saying bye, or i'm leaving.. it just a little cold. i also don't like that i can't talk to you with out me having to have a reason. its rough, and no one seems to really understand or seems to be able to say or do the right thing. i'm stuck and its lonely being between rock and a hard place... yeah i know what your thinking..." cheer up emo kid" but the last couple months have sucked. now every year my birthday feels unspecial to me... i always hoping that something will be good like other people will remember. or at least the people i deem important will do something for me like i do for them. nope, instead this year my love breaks up with me after practically ignoring me for weeks, believe me ... its more sucky then you think it is. we've gotten better since then but recently he started drinking again and also having problems with the people around him. this has left me feeling once again between a rock and a hard place. he gets mad at me all the time and i don't know why. i don't even know how to approach the situation. it would seem obvious to some people, break up with him... he obviously loves beer more than you. which.... actually may be true... but thats not what i want. what i want is to sit down face to face and talk about it... like go away and do this but he's mad and i'm just a sitting pawn moved around and now i'm worried.

i give up i can't write any more because I do not know my self any more

roll the windows down as we head out for a drive
round the curves and down between the tree vines
lets fly down at top speed
cause no one catch us
no can beat us
lets forget our problems
forget everyone else
cause we are off to mexico to new zeland to idaho
rogue prisoners in our minds
escaping all thats real
escaping all thats false
we got a map filled with pictures made of crayon
we got all we need from playdoh to easy bake cookies
we don't need no body to tell us who to be
we for the first time will be free like the children we use to be.

so take my hand
give me the keys
lets be frank about what we'll be
from soldiers to lawyers to journalist and when were older we'll see
its okay to dream.

you know what i really dislike
people who say " i could go on all day"
sometimes i'm really interested in the reasons why cardio is good for you
and you say " i could go on all day"
all i want to say is
" well, go on then... i got time, and the money so if you just take off your...."
no i don't say the last bit because that would be creeepy, and slightly in appropriate....
if i wasn't so into your bod...
anyway
uhm yeah so thats what bothered me today
as i was looking through the weberlibraries of factual information
nothing else is really new except loads of studying since finals are next week.
i'm kinda stoked.
i want to go home.
yet sad for a plethora of reasons such as the following:
yvonne, roommate= leaving
nahima, friendster= leaving
asa, little friendster with beard= leaving
razy, possibly leaver = possibly leaving
and boyfriend= still nonexsistant... jk..no he'll be up here at school
while i'm not.
=/
anyway
talk to you soon.
bye!

inspiration can be something i lack
something i wish
would come back
but lately i have had none of that
but then it hit me.
just.like.that.
i wrote and wrote for days
dr.seus rhymes and silly little plays
hours upon hours i wrote the trivial little things
and i couldn't help but make my lyrics sing
"one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish"
were spun into morbid tales
dead fish, bed fish, big balls of hail
i didn't always make sense with my senseless rhyme
but i didn't think it was such a bad crime.
you read me anyway
word after word
and i swallowed you whole
you have never heard
of the thing that rings without a bell
it is I that sings and brings a story that
even i am not sure why i tell
i fight back the ignorances that barges through
the doors of your wielded shut mind.
and find hollow secrets that bare no burden of mine
you are simple
so simple
as simple is
as simple will ever do
so you will reread this symbol
and think
all this
is
about
you.

i hate loneliness but it loves me
i hate it
yet it stalks me
i wish it would disappear
but it haunts me
and so i guess it was ment to be
that i was just that kind of lonely.

i wish it would leave
but forever it will stay
the empty walls echo
each word i say
and all i got left
is a simple melody
and i just hope that
one day rather YOU'd come back to me

'cause
i hate loneliness but it loves me
i hate it
yet it stalks me
i wish it would disappear
but it haunts me
and so i guess it was ment to be
that i was just that kind of lonely.

Many times you possibly heard the argument that " social networking sites are incriminating, be careful of what you post and say because it can and possibly will be used against you." Though these warnings over and over seem to go without anyone changing the way their profile is set up. Then when people lives are viscously torn to shreds because someone was tagged in a photo, they wonder where the injustice comes from. We are taught in america that we have freedom of speech but does that apply to social networking sites? The internet, is like international waters, anything can be posted and anything can be retrieved for a small subscription of 29.99$ a month for your internet package... well generally. Since we live in an age where anyone can access your "private" page what you say and do can be harmful for future work and scholastic journeys. At my school, which i won't mention because they may add my live journal page and get highly irate over the matter, (PUC)..., we are experiencing a dilemma of a profile of a "current student" at the institution is sending in incriminating pictures to deans around campus. In the last week this student managed to get over 400+ friends of people who did not know her. now this brings me to my first problem in the situation, which says shame on you to the students:

DO NOT ADD PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW!
a person can add you but you do not have to accept them, if you never seen this person on campus, talked to this person, interacted with this person, why oh why would you add them?

Over and over we have been told that social networking sites have been associated with leading this one girl to this one place where she was raped and killed, or stalked, raped, then killed.
which brings me to my second point which has been alluded to earlier:

BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU PUT ON THE INTERNET:
Anyone can see what you write, say, do, post up, with a simple click of a button. If you know that the picture of you in cancun one spring break in college is going to get you in trouble at the work place then don't let people post it up. You have the right to what you let on the internet. if you condone it thats your fault. Apparently my school did not realize this from the short little incident in one of the places at school that had an opprunity for work. Someone posted something in their status as a joke and the following week the person who was talked about in the prank quit, and immediately after there was investigation on who posted the small joke. If someone can read it and take it the wrong way maybe your name should not be associated with this. In this case this happened because a person did not log out and someone else wrote the funny statement. Once again, shame on you social networking idiot.
Third and final word of advice:
WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN INCRIMINATING POSITIONS:
if your not good at your sneaking around, then maybe you shouldn't do it. you are obviously an idiot and need futher training on the simple task of lying and being decietful which i am sure a 2 year old can do better than you. Seriously. if you go to a party, and you know that people are getting suspended from school, why are you taking pictures of you holding a 40 oz. to your head with a thumbs up. your an idiot. Secondly why are you going to parties near your school anyway where the teacher would drive and take you home like a parent takes home a child by the ear when they are at the arcades and they should be asleep. Third, why are you comming in stumbling drunk reeking of the smell of alcohol. If you smell that bad, might as well that you stay there that night, or invest in fabreeze as well as learning to handle your liquor. Fourth, if you get in trouble why are you saying, well blah blah blah gets away with it. Thats ridciusly stupid and not to mention shady. what you have achieved by doing this is still getting into trouble as well as burning your bridges and possibly making other people hate you. GOOD JOB YOU IDIOT.

the pages are slowly written
by a mysterious ghost writer
there is nothing left to say
theres nothing left to say
so we we fill our lungs
deep filled breaths
of carbon monoxide
blow out heart felt kisses of poison
i blow them long and hard
in hopes that you will cease
your incessant breathing
it bothers me so
it bothers me so.

i'm back home
and zomg there was so many times i started writing and then thought back on it... i conclude myself as shameful in my own eyes.
shame
shame
oh what a shame


anyway
when i went to florida i met one of my cousin's friend who told me a story of one trip to virginia and i was inspired to write a little bout it revamped a bit but honestly nothing will be as magical as reality was for her.

:
his name was michael
he was a tall skinny brown god that had a smile that would haunt you for days
his eyes were kind and his laughter was infectious
you just felt better when you were around him
i met him when i was rogue who lived out of the things in my napsack
my lover at the current time was one of his friends from college

The encounter with him was so sweet. we were lying on my 97 nissan pulsuar staring at the wonder of the world
michael came toward me holding two beers in one hand a guitar in another with a cig perched on his ear
"you look like you could use a cold one" was all he said with his billion dollar smile and i could have melted. his voice was deep, it gave me chills
michael set his down on the hood of the car as he scooted in next to me
he stared at me as i took a few swigs of beer
i laughed asking him what he was looking at
"i'm just wondering how seth caught you, your eyes, i know its cliche but they are the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen"
i laughed and said thanks
he lit his cigarette and took a long drag before putting the stub between the strings at the top of his guitar
he started to strum
"oh sarah she got the eyes that make strong men weak and though i only met her over a bottle of beer and tequila, i just wanted to say it's really nice to meet ya.."



ill write more on this story later. i'm hungry and got to laundry. =/